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  • TJ Shaver

Virus mutates into 'Covid-X' to stay hip

Did you think you were going to be safe? Thought the vaccine might help? Did you think you might get your life back? Awww. That’s sweet. It’s sweet, but it’s also too bad, because you will not be ok, the vaccine will not be enough, and you will never get your life back. The virus has mutated so now the experts say the vaccine won’t be as helpful as we hoped. Even worse, the virus has mutated into ‘Covid-X’ and claims to be the newest member of the X-Men, a collection of mutants who live in a house with a bald fella and perform tricks and kill and maim things. The virus said this today after buying a new wardrobe,

“I’m back. I was never gone, really, but I’m back. I’m backer. Back more? I’m here… Now… Still… Dammit, ok, listen, I’ve been here but now I’m here and I’m better than before. See, I got this new leather jacket, some sunglasses, a new haircut, and I’ve mutated into a state where you can’t kill me but I can still kill you. So watch out… or you’re next… Did that sound cool? I need a catchphrase or some witty one-liners. Hey you’re a writer, right?”

Allegedly. The mutation has occurred just in time to keep everything locked down even though lock downs don’t help and actually make it worse and all of the beloved science says so. It mutated just in time to keep us scared and panicking and locked at home valuing safety over freedom. A generation of kids is being taught to value the safety of the collective over their own personal freedom, and that is something that can’t happen. If that happens we become China, and if you’re reading this, you definitely are not in the ruling class and you will definitely not want America to become China. In response to criticism over accepting Covid into the X-Men academy, Charles Xavier sent us this email,

“We did not accept any virus into our academy. We just all got infected with covid. Then I guess it mutated. Now we have to fight it. Thank God we have Joe Biden now, without him we could never have defeated this… Hahahaha, I’m just kidding, that guy is too old and feeble to even be a lifeguard.”

If he only knew.

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