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  • TJ Shaver

Unnamed sources prove you punch babies

Don’t even try to deny it. I’ve always had my suspicions about you, and that’s what makes this story so great. It reaffirms everything I already believed about you. I can’t tell you who told me that you punch babies, but trust me, it’s someone who would know whether or not you punch babies. My other journalist friends will read this article and that will confirm their prior suspicions that you punch babies and once they write their story based off my story, it will become fact that you are a baby punching monster. One of the other really good journalists who operates off second hand unnamed sources had this to say,

“It’s so obviously true because it’s something we all knew deep down was always true. We don’t need proof or confirmation, it’s so believable it has to be true. It just has to be, otherwise, everything I’ve ever written might be a lie.”

In journalism school they teach you a lot about verifying sources and fact checking and cross referencing. Then you get in the real world and it’s more like “this is activism, say whatever you have to to make it believable”. Don’t fact check, your haters will do that for you. Don’t verify sources, run the headline, dupe the masses, retract later in small print if you have to. In other words, journalism has gotten way more fun and completely unreliable, and we love it. Another unnamed source put the nail in your coffin with this bombshell,

“That person reading this? The one reading it right now? Definitely punches babies. In the face. I’ve seen it, you don’t need proof. Trust me bro, I’ve seen it.”

That’s all I needed to hear. Print it!

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