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  • TJ Shaver

Trump triumphs over ramp

The world held its collective breath this past weekend as our President took on his biggest challenge yet. A steel ramp. With no handrail. Few thought he would make it out alive. Vegas odds had him taking an early tumble, ruining his tie and causing his hair to do that thing where it goes over to its own side and stays there. It didn’t happen though, the President of the United States of America, Donald J. Trump, triumphed over the ramp in front of the crowd, the press, and the world. An insider had this to say about the victory,

“It was a fight to the end. The ramp knew it had been in a fight. Trump knew he had been in a fight. You just watched two warriors battle it out. Lucky for us, America won.”

Trump has faced few, if any, ramps so far in his presidency. No one saw this one coming and no one knew what to expect. Now we will all be looking out for any potential ramps in his future. Some have suggested that AntiFa stole the handrail hours before his arrival. However we have confirmed that none of them know how to use power tools. Some have suggested the President should have someone design a collapsible, portable handrail that he could carry around with him. Trump said this about the ramp,

“I won and everyone knows I won, and, if you think of it, it’s incredible really, but no other President has made headlines for beating a ramp. Really, I know a lot about ramps, a lot of great ramps out there, but I probably know ramps better than anyone and I knew I could make it.”

This story is far from over. The ramp has yet to respond to Trump’s taunting tweets about their encounter. Adam Schiff has moved to impeach Trump for having the Russians help him get down the ramp, Nancy Pelosi called him a jerk or something, and Brian Stelter cried himself to sleep over it.

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