Trump building army of fascist mailbox robots

Our worst fears have been confirmed. At first we thought Donald Trump was just stealing our mailboxes so he could prevent losing an election by mail-in voting. When he started personally showing up to our mailbox and stealing our mail every day we assumed it was normal government spying stuff. Then he started stealing blue mailboxes from right off the streets. That’s when we realized that his plan is much more sinister and complex. This is all of his evil plans coming to fruition at once. Donald Trump is building an army of robots using old blue mailboxes and those robots are going to stop people from going to the polls. Some of these boxbots as they are being called have already been spotted marching around the White House with freshly shaved heads and automatic weapons over their shoulders. A source who went to school with the reporter who spoke to the eyewitness on the behalf of the boxbots told us this via a lengthy personal and frankly overly emotional email,

“I totally called it, my friend Jamie saw a guy in a MAGA hat towing a mail truck, then there was a locked mailbox on the internet, now blue mailboxes are disappearing, it’s so obvious what he’s doing, he’s making more fascists for his fascist army because he’s a total fascist. What does what mean? Fascist? Umm.. it means like… bad? Ya know?”

We don’t know. Some people are pointing out that mail trucks do break down, and sometimes, they even get towed. But by a guy with a MAGA hat? We aren’t buying it. There are too many coincidences adding up and Trump is definitely a bad man, we’ve confirmed that like five times already in other stories. The majority of people seem to be saying that it doesn’t make any sense, an army of robots that were formerly mailboxes. That’s ok, it doesn’t have to make sense. All you need to know is Trump is doing bad stuff and you need to be afraid and you need to vote for Joe Biden and Billy Porter or whoever his V.P. pick is. A source we brought in solely for the purpose of frightening you told us this,

“This is it, Donald Trump is about to complete his total authoritarian takeover with these robots. Listen before it’s too late. There is no other possible explanation for anything that he has said and what is happening right now. Maybe there will be some survivors of the great robot massacre of 2020 but I really hope not, that would totally ruin the ending of my book that I’m writing about it. Hey do you know any publishers?”

That guy may have been lying. He HAS to have a publisher for that already.