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  • TJ Shaver

Thought police on Don Lemon: We found nothing

With the current climate of dystopian hell straight out of an Orwell novel or any socialist’s daydreams, the thought police have been deputized and are whacking people left and right. Journalists are being fired for liking tweets, editors are being tarred and feathered for hiring the guy that liked the tweet, and one guy was sentenced to a life of hard labor in a work camp for pausing for a second on a problematic tweet before quickly scrolling on. The thought police came for Don Lemon but they came up empty handed. Apparently the man has no thoughts. A thought detective had this to say,

“We heard he said some things a couple years ago that became problematic last week. He has completely changed his position on every single issue, every time it is necessary to change it. Which is often. He just goes with whatever is most palatable at the moment. We can’t arrest him for someone else’s thoughts, but now we have to find whoever did have problematic thoughts 5 years ago and arrest them for having an opinion that just became a problem. I love my job.”

A video recently went viral of Don Lemon agreeing with Bill O’Reilly and saying that Bill actually didn’t go far enough. This was so shocking to Lemon that he has been 100% incapable of responding or explaining himself in any way. He may not even remember the days when he used to have thoughts, before he became a puppet and lost his ability to form a thought of his own. His agent told us this via a banner flown behind a comically old-fashioned airplane,

“Don is smart. The other one, Fredo, is the dumb one, like everybody says. Not smart.”

Fredo Cuomo, I mean Chris, would not respond for a message because he filed a restraining order against this publication years ago.

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