The Washington Posts: George Washington's problematic tweets

As a new nation we are constantly on the lookout for ways to erase the past and start fresh. With this in mind we have dug up some old tweets from our first and current President, George Washington. He has been doing a great job, we love everything he’s done so far, but if he said something bad in the past he needs to go. Here is an example of one of his problematic tweets,

“Listen, frankly, I’m the best President ever, ever in American history ok? We have the best country, the best people really, if you think about it. My wigs are far better than the wigs those British guys wear, and everybody knows it.”

Our experts have not been able to verify if the President’s wigs are indeed better than British royalty, but we don’t think so. We think this is a blatant lie designed to subvert our brand new constitution. Washington went on later the same day,

“If you want to cancel somebody, how about that creep Ben Franklin? I call him “Creepy Ben.” Have you seen the way he looks at Martha? I’m pretty sure he invented those glasses just to ogle breasts. Investigation?”

This latest accusation has been confirmed by an earlier report done by this very outlet. However, it doesn’t fit the narrative so pretend we didn’t say that. We will continue reporting as the first President of the United States continues his unhinged Twitter rampage.