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  • TJ Shaver

Super Jowl 1: Barr vs. Nadler

In a battle for the ages, or at least a battle for the aged, Jerry Nadler and William Barr squared off yesterday in what was supposed to be a hearing but was really just an interrupting. At one point Barr asked for a 5 minute break and Nadler refused to let him take one, proving that he is just as petty and pathetic as he looks. The battle of the jowls continued throughout the day, with William Barr winning every exchange on substance but then being overwhelmed by procedure and the reclaiming of every second of time and the nonsensical bureaucratic madness that allows a man like Jerry Nadler to have any power at all. An expert on jowls told us this about the fight,

“This will be a legendary fight, one for the history books. There has never been a jowl match up like this, at least not since the advent of photography. There were rumored to have been some jowl-offs back in England in the 18th century but we have no proof. Today we witnessed the fleshiest jowls in American politics go head to head, we got every second recorded and photographed, and it was beautiful. Well, it wasn’t beautiful per se. Or at all. But it was something.”

If you aren’t sure, Jerry Nadler is the one that people say looks like the penguin from the Batman movies, but I would never say that, it’s unnecessary to even bring up that he looks like the penguin from the Batman movies. William Barr is the Attorney General and he looks like a tired bulldog in a meme who just can’t believe the day he’s having. We think something important was happening in the hearing but the story our reporter left with was strictly concerning their appearance. It honestly seems like them just being in the room together and looking the way they do was the most productive thing that happened during the hearing. William Barr tried to give us a quote for the article but Nadler claimed in the parking lot that he was reclaiming his time and told us this,

“William Barr is a myth that is being pushed around Washington D.C. He is not real and he should not be listened to. By the way, I’m a lying worthless piece of $#!+.”

I might have made that last part up.

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