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  • TJ Shaver

Statuesque women fear being torn down

Updated: Jun 28, 2020

After the recent rash of statue decapitations and pull-over-and-drag-in-the-lakes, everyone is wondering who is next. Speculation says all of them, and speculators are probably correct. The real question is what will be torn down next. Many are worried that it will be women who have been referred to as “statuesque." This is because in the frenzy of a mob anything even remotely resembling a statue could potentially lose its head before the peaceful protester removing it realized it was an actual human head. Models have gone into hiding but we spoke to one on the internet who had this to say,

“I’ve already been attacked actually. On the way here a short man in a black mask and a Che Guevara tee shirt thought I was Mount Rushmore and tried to claw my face off. I swatted him aside pretty easily but he could have been dangerous. He could have had a weapon, or he could have been used as a weapon by a bigger, stronger person.”

Fashion shows have been cancelled. Any women over 5’11 have been ordered to stay inside and quarantine for the foreseeable future. Any women who are near the cutoff are urged to not wear high heels. Everyone has been asked to hunch over when they walk and keep their heads well below their shoulders, just in case. Our reporters in the field will remain in the field they are in until we can get a helicopter to rescue them from that field. Being our only reporter in the field, I have this to say,


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