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  • TJ Shaver

Statue of Liberty enters Witness Protection

Statues across the country have been cowering in fear for weeks as angry mobs of peaceful rioters have been quite literally headhunting them. Many have fallen, many have lost their heads, many are now in lakes. One that still stands is the most famous one in America, that tall lady outside New York City, that Statue of Liberty. Lady Liberty isn’t taking any chances as she announced this morning she will be going into Witness Protection. Lady L had this to say,

“Listen, I’m French. I know how to retreat. I know when it’s time to cut and run. I’m gonna go ahead and do that now before anyone gets any bright ideas. I’ll go into the program, it’ll be hard to blend in but I can do it. Most people don’t even know I’m French, so you tell me how well I’ve blended in here.”

She has blended in well, I didn’t recognize her at first. When we started the interview I thought she was her publicist or something. She’s a lot taller in person. Although she came from France she said she has no desire to return there. She would like to go to China but even average sized Americans are viewed as tall over there so I’m not sure how that is going to work out. They also hate liberty. There has been speculation she could go to the Australian bush or maybe even Russia and live in the mountains. Speculation is rarely right though. She gave us what might be viewed as a hint in a text message this morning,

“I’m entering the program today. I can’t tell you where I’m going but there’s a pyramid there and I should be able to stand beside it and act casual and they say eventually people will think I’m just part of the scenery. My boyfriend can’t come with me but that’s ok, we’d been stuck in a rut anyway. Bye!’’

We were NOT stuck in a rut.

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