Pony Express brought back for mail-in voting

The election is rapidly approaching and the country is rapidly falling apart. Neither side trusts the other not to cheat and the Democrats are pushing for universal mail-in voting. Republicans are pushing back, mainly because mail-in voting has largely been a disaster for a variety of reasons. The postal service is already strained and facing criticism so today a decision was made to ensure the safety of the election. Starting today all mail-in ballots will be delivered and protected by the Pony Express. The legendary Pony Express was an early version of the post office that starred cowboys on horses delivering mail with shotguns and pistols. The move is being praised by almost everyone including Donald Trump who tweeted this in support,

“The Pony Express is unbelievable if you think about it, you have cowboys, on horses, and they do amazing things. They deliver mail, they have rifles. Great guys, great ponies, you should see the ponies we’re using, best ponies in the world, nobody knows more about ponies than I do, and these ponies are the best. As long as the great men and women of the Pony Express are doing their great work, this election will be safe.”

Democrats applauded the move until Trump tweeted his support. Now they are backtracking. The new narrative is that employing the Pony Express is a fascist move by Trump. Critics say putting more guns out on the streets with federal authority behind them will only incite more violence. Critics of those critics are saying that as long as a gang of outlaws doesn’t ambush them and steal their mailbags they won’t have to use their guns at all. An expert on stagecoach robberies and cowboy era ambushing shared this pearl of wisdom with us via a telegram,

“Mail-in voting is doomed no matter what. The Post Office sucks, and your little Pony boys can’t help you. I have gangs ready to cut them off at whatever pass they choose to pass. We have bandannas, lots of bullets, and we found the perfect bushes to hide behind. We will not let this country have a fair election. Biden 2020.”

He ambushed us on our way home. I barely made it out alive.