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  • TJ Shaver

Pitchfork and torch sales skyrocket

While the lock downs and nonstop riots have nearly killed the American small business, a few specialty businesses seem to be thriving. Stores selling pitchforks and torches have been selling out on a daily basis. This is thanks to the fact that every day angry mobs are forming all across the country, and they are coming for you. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done. They will find a reason or just make one up when they get there. Or they won’t, sometimes they don’t need a reason. Just ask the elk statue that was torn down in Oregon, which is what we already did so you don't actually have to. The fallen elk had this to say,

“I really don’t know what I did man. I’m not really a symbol of anything other than how awesome outside is. I’m just an elk bro. I could see a Joe Rogan fan maybe taking me down but… I don’t know. Let me know if you hear anything, there’s not much I can do but I was great at what I did.”

With angry mobbing being the newest and seemingly most effective form of communication, mob accessories have become very fashionable. Pitchforks now have intricate designs and political messages on the handles. Torches are still pretty much just torches because it’s just a burning stick but people seem to really love them. An extremely fashionable peaceful rioter/arsonist told us this through a megaphone in our ear,

“Yeah the pitchforks are so cute I had to have one as soon as I saw the protesters on tv peacefully stabbing people with them. It just seemed like the right thing to do, so my daddy bought me one and my actual Dad bought me two. I’ve been sharing them so that anyone who doesn’t have one can peacefully annihilate someone they don’t like. Yay!”

We will keep reporting until the protests become so mostly peaceful that we might die.

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