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  • TJ Shaver

Petty & Pretty Tyrants

Cases of Covid are spiking all around the world. With people panicking, Joe Biden has already proven himself better than Trump at being a former lifeguard and saying people should “come on man, just wear the damn mask”. This is the rhetoric that has been missing in American politics, empty platitudes and promises to trust the experts and build a better future for the Biden family. The new tyrants emerging from this chaotic scene are petty and pretty and all the rage this holiday season. Gavin Newsom, the prettiest tyrant of them all, said this today after being caught for blatantly breaking every rule he has imposed on the peasantry,

“I did go eat at that amazing restaurant even though I’m demanding all citizens have to stay locked in their homes alone with less than 1 person at a time. The thing is, I was there with exactly THE doctors and experts we are always telling you to follow and listen to and worship. So this was important, we are THE important people. Since you are all locked in your homes it’s safe for us to do whatever we want anyway, and we have enough money that we’ll be fine no matter what so really, this has been pretty amazing for all of us, there’s like no traffic when we lock you guys down and oh my god get this! I was.. Huh? Oh yeah, um, what I did was awful, and I’ve only done it a dozen or several dozen times, and I’ll only do it again all the time from here on out so, ya know. Love you guys, Peace out Cali.”

Wow that man is good looking. After that moving speech no one was really listening to he took a bow before returning for an encore ten minutes later and explained how the politicians and doctors and scientists are all so rich and important and connected that even in a nuclear holocaust they would be whisked away and taken care of and provided for and would ultimately spend the rest of their lives in grotesque luxury and relative peace considering the entire population topside is ash and dust and whatnot. Newsom left us with this nugget of wisdom,

“This is just the way it is. It kind of always has been, we just care less about hiding it now. I matter, I’m important, I’m a politician, I... look like the guy that plays the President in an amazing movie about the President. I’m incredibly rich, and I mean look at me, I’m beautiful. Now get the hell away from me you filthy peasant before I have our defunded police department arrest you for wakeboarding or something.”

Wow that guy is good looking. If anyone wants to bail me out I would accept that help and be very grateful for it.

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