Peaceful protesters try to murder Mayor

Peacefulness continues to intensify in Portland. The protests have been going on for something like 3 months now, maybe 11. We lost track a long time ago. We just know that the protests are peaceful and they have been escalating steadily for months now which can only mean they are getting more peaceful. There was an execution this past weekend that was celebrated by many of the protesters, but if they were protesters and protesters are peaceful then that means they did nothing wrong. Last night things got so chill that the protesters went to Mayor Ted Wheeler’s residence and broke in and set it on fire. One of the peaceful arsonists sent us this message via a note taped to an arrow that is still stuck in my windshield,

“We just tried to burn down a building with over 100 residents in it, because we don’t like one guy who lives there. And he’s on our side. And we still hate him enough to attempt mass homicide. Imagine what we’ll do to you.”

Mayor Ted Wheeler has been fully supportive of the protests, riots, violence, and other tomfoolery happening in his city for the past fill in the blank months. He won’t let the cops do their jobs(he’s the Mayor, and he’s also the chief of police) and he does everything the angry mob wants him to. It doesn’t matter. They just want power. They tried to kill him because they don’t like him and we really don’t even know why. I mean I don’t like the guy, but that’s because he has encouraged extremists in his city for years and he tolerates the people who just tried to murder him when he could have shut this down a long time ago. Let’s go to Brian Stelter for the latest update on Portland,

“Portland is fine. Donald Trump is just exaggerating so he can scare people and make them want to vote for him. Look, there’s a picture of someone in Portland, and she’s not on fire. If that lady isn’t on fire then clearly everything is fine and Trump is just a bad mean liar. He’s so mean. And bad. Ughhh he’s just so yucky I can’t stand it. I’m the human big toe Brian Stelter, thank you both for watching.”

Riveting stuff Bri.