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  • TJ Shaver

Peaceful arsonist protests city not burning down

Peaceful protests across America and the world have allowed peaceful protesters with all sorts of beliefs and notions to voice their peaceful opinions. We’ve already covered the peaceful murderers who protested the continued living of people who disagree with them, now we are covering a peaceful arsonist protesting the fact that his city isn’t burning to the ground. We spoke to the pyro enthusiast earlier today,

“I love fire and I hate structure. A lot of structures standing side by side make me nervous, especially if they are not on fire. I’m protesting that by burning them all to the ground. I’m very methodical, I plan to incinerate every standing structure within the city limits before I move beyond our borders.”

We tried to get him to promise not to burn down my house or the house my parents live in or the building where I work. He wouldn’t make any promises except for the promise that he definitely would burn them all to the ground no matter what. The fire department has been told to stand down by the Democrat Mayor of this godforsaken city. The Mayor had this to say when we met in a phone booth on the way to his liposuction appointment,

“We want to tell him to stop, but we can’t. He’s been labelled peaceful. Once he’s labelled peaceful he can do whatever he wants. If we stop him we are labelled racist and once that happens you might as well shoot us in the head. It doesn’t need to make sense, this is just the way it is now. Get used to it. Now please get the hell out of this phone booth, I need to put this fire out.”

The phone booth did not survive the incident. My eyebrows will grow back but I think the payphone may be gone forever.

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