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  • TJ Shaver

OH NOOO!!!!!!! It's a Catholic!

After Donald Trump killed Ruth Bader Ginsberg, everyone panicked because they knew he might do something even worse next, like fulfill his constitutional duty to nominate a new Justice. Unfortunately Trump chose to do just that. He destroyed all constitutional norms by doing the constitutional norm even though people didn’t want him to. What’s worse is that his nominee, Amy Coney Barrett, is rumored to be something so frightening I get nervous even writing about it. So, rumor has it, according to everyone including Amy herself, that she is a…. Catholic…. I couldn’t believe it either. What’s even crazier is that she isn’t just a catholic the way most politicians are. She is a practicing Catholic. Like, she believes the teachings of the Catholic Church. I know, I couldn’t believe it either. A Catholic who misses almost every practice had this to say,

“Wow she really believes the stuff? That’s crazy. I forget that we’re even expected to really believe it. No wonder I haven’t been practicing.”

Many people fear that this will threaten Roe v. Wade, a court case that decided whether it was better to row your boat out into a lake to fish or to just wade into the water and cast out from there. Or it was the abortion one, I always get them mixed up. Apparently these so-called “practicing Catholics” don’t believe in a woman’s right to choose to kill her unborn child, and this is really freaking people out. Barrett had this to say in an extremely menacing tone if in an admittedly high-pitched voice,

“Yes, I am a Catholic and I take my faith seriously.”

Oh. My. God. It appears that this is the end. Goodbye, I love you.

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