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  • TJ Shaver

Objective Journalism found dead; CNN caught fleeing country

It’s a sad day for the profession. Not really, we just have to keep up pretenses. Everyone in the business knows that objective journalism has been as dead as the wife of a Scientology leader for generations now. We just pretend it isn’t. Unfortunately for us the remains were found today. It has been proven once and for all that objective journalism(OJ) is not just dead, but it was murdered. A family member had this to say,

“This is just wrong. OJ never meant to hurt anybody. Sometimes he did but that’s just when he was used improperly. I want the killer. I’ve seen Don Lemon lurking around a lot, Brian Stelter too. I know they know, even if they didn’t do it, they know who did. Bring in that clown Cuomo while you’re at it, now that guy has murdered people, I'm certain of it.”

CNN is a perpetual flame that represents dumpster fires everywhere, but are they strong enough to kill OJ entirely? Our sources say yes. Our sources (who happen to be experts) tell us that Brian Stelter is such a piece of $#!+ that just allowing him to have his own show practically killed OJ on its own. Add Don Lemon recently trying to explain to Terry Crews why black lives don’t matter and how imperfect Jesus was, and you have a recipe for the murder of objective journalism, with objectivity itself receiving glancing blows every time these clowns speak in public. According to reports CNN was caught trying to leave the country just hours after OJ was found dead. Their spokesman told us this,

“No no no, we weren’t running away. We were leaving and never coming back and hoping no one noticed. We didn’t kill all those people by the way. Oh, um, Objective journalism? We didn’t kill that either! It was dead long before we stuck the last 1,000 knives in its back. Either way, this is a trip we planned long ago, total coincidence. This mustache? I just like disguises, it’s not a ‘disguise’ per se. Well it’s a real name on my passport it just isn’t MY real name. This is all above board, call Stelter, call Stelter!”

They were arrested and will be held in custody until everyone forgets how much they suck and how often they lie to us and how they are destroying the country one day at a time. They should be back to normal by tomorrow.

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