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  • TJ Shaver

NYC is doing fiiiiine ok?

Nothing to see here. For real. Everything is fine. Don’t even read this article. Crime isn’t going up at breakneck speed. Most crime is going down actually. Pretty much only homicide is going up. Mostly peaceful, see? The homicide rate going up over 200% can seem scary but that’s mainly just because it is. Children being shot by stray bullets or just flat out shot seems like the worst thing that can happen, but that’s only because it pretty much is. A man who was lucky enough to not get murdered had this to say,

“It’s insane. People are being shot constantly. It isn’t because they are hungry. Believe it or not, high crime areas need police. Everyone who lives in a high crime area knows that. You know who really knows that? Criminals. You want to know which type of criminal is most aware of that fact? Murderers. The worst criminals know this, and they are taking advantage of it, and anyone who can’t see that is insane.”

We don’t know what that guy is talking about. Everything seems fine to us. We visited the journalists and entertainers who are fighting for equality from the comfort of their privately secured mansions in their gated communities and everything seemed perfectly safe to me. I’m sure the Mayor is perfectly in touch with the needs of his constituents, and the Governor, forget about it. He is just, how do I say this… Good at his job. He only has the highest Covid death toll in the country but that’s ok because he bashes Trump. From our view in this mansion that seems like a good trade off. The owner of this fortress I’m writing from had this to say,

“I don’t see why we need police at all. I mean we just hire private security so we don’t need them. Those high crime neighborhoods certainly don’t need them, the only reason crime is so high is because the cops are there. Wait, does that make sense? No? Hmmm… How are we justifying this? We aren’t? We just ignore it and shove our common sense deep down and let minority communities burn and let black people die? Ok, I guess…”

It’s really not that hard to understand. Just take your common sense and shove it down deep. Keep it there, it no longer has a place in this world. Ok?

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