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  • TJ Shaver

Mostly peaceful debate ends in riot

Updated: Sep 30, 2020

The first presidential debate was last night and it was a complete disaster. I mean it was mostly peaceful. Donald Trump refused to let Joe Biden lie, Biden refused to answer anything he didn’t want to, and Chris Wallace became Biden’s tag team partner halfway through and started tagging himself in every time Biden found himself in a jam. It was as peaceful and fun to watch as any one of the 104 days of riots so far in Portland. Biden pretended Antifa isn’t real and Trump told the Proud Boys who haven’t done anything in years to stand down. Someone who watched the entire debate tweeted this,

“Why even have a moderator? Just put them in a cage and let them actually argue. If it gets physical, may the best man win. This is supposed to be the Commander in Chief here, if he isn’t willing to at least be in a cage match, do we even want him in charge?”

A cage would have been nice. What actually happened was Trump got so annoyed with Chris Wallace he walked over and gave him a wedgie. This offended Biden who always pretends to care about the underdog, so Biden tried to give Trump a noogie. Trump countered with a gut shot that Biden didn’t notice because he isn’t really alive. That’s when the hair pulling started. Biden won obviously, considering Trump’s hair is held on by sheer confidence and Biden’s hairs are meticulously transplanted follicles that will be with him eternally, the good lord himself couldn’t pry those plugs out of that ancient dome. The cameras cut off once their suits were ripped and body parts were showing. A Presidential debate expert, grateful that it’s time to be useful again, shared this with us,

“Who won? Is that a real question? What was that? That wasn’t a debate, that was just old guys yelling at each other. Disgraceful.”

This pansy has no idea what good entertainment looks like.

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