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  • TJ Shaver

Mostly peaceful bomb mostly destroys property

The RV was large, and the blast was deafening, but the bomb that rocked downtown Nashville was mostly peaceful if you take into account all the time it spent driving around and telling people to evacuate. In other good news, it was mostly property that was destroyed, and only several people were only mostly injured. In even better news, It was without a doubt the most polite bomb this reporter has ever seen, but the choice to play Downtown by Petula Clark right before the explosion is definitely the most terrifying part of 2020 so far. In a press conference a day later representatives from several Swamp Agencies decided that one guy did it, he had no help, he died in the blast, and the DNA matches. What DNA you might ask? A spokesman for the ATF managed to spit this out before retreating to his private helicopter,

“These law enforcement agencies are amazing. Thank you all for coming out. What happened here was, I can’t talk about any of it, but it was just one guy and he’s dead and everything is fine now. We matched the DNA we found from this fella to the DNA we had lying around with his name on it, and it matched. He definitely worked alone and he’s definitely dead. Don’t pay any more attention to this because it was basically nothing.”

Every representative made sure to mention that he was working alone and he died in the blast and they already have DNA matches. I have been told to be sure to mention that he was working alone and he died in the blast. Also, the DNA matches. As a reporter it is my job to let the readers know that this man’s DNA matches DNA inside of a giant explosion. I have to let my readers know that he was working alone. Most importantly, my readers need to know that this man died in the blast. One of the parroters of this propaganda shared this with me after the press conference and right before his boss came and whacked me in the temple with a billy club,

“Just say it was just one guy working alone and he died in the blast. Also, the DNA matches the DNA we planted earlier in strategic spots all over the place... I meant to say the DNA we were able to ‘retrieve’ from the crime scene not ‘planted’... I promise you a government agency would never plant evidence, or destroy property or kill people. We let Antifa take care of that for us. Now go write this story before you have a chance to ask any questions or learn anything. Let me get a DNA sample first though... It wasn’t a question…”

The suspect was killed in the blast. He was working alone. The DNA matches. Suspect killed in blast, working alone, DNA matches. Suspect, working alone, killed. DNA matches. Dead suspect matches DNA. Dead DNA... DNA... D. N. A…..

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