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  • TJ Shaver

MLB expands strike zone to accommodate Fauci's pitch

Updated: Jul 26, 2020

We all know a scientist is never wrong. Especially Dr. Fauci, that short guy who sounds like he needs a lozenge. He threw out the first pitch at something called a baseball game recently, and some people have accused him of throwing a bad pitch. Our fact check shows that to ensure people can continue to trust Dr. Fauci and have faith in all he says and does, Major League Baseball has actually expanded the strike zone by roughly the distance from the mound to the first base line. This means that the good doctor did not throw a bad pitch but he actually threw a perfect strike. A spokesman for strike zones whispered this in my ear,

“He IS a doctor. So if he did it, it must be right. We followed that logic and realized that if he threw the pitch at the middle of the first base line, that must be a strike. This is especially bad news for left handed batters considering it’ll be 15 feet behind their backs, but we are willing to make sacrifices to get through this pandemic.”

No one expected Dr. Fauci to throw a good pitch, he is nearing ancient and he looks like he hails from Hooville. What we do expect from him is accurate predictions and projections and to always be right every time he opens his mouth. After all, that is what science is, 100% certainty and consensus on every issue at all times. Since he is the only hope our country has, a bad pitch from him would be disastrous and would only lead to more deaths from the coronavirus. Major League Baseball did the right thing. A major league baseball had this to say,

“Listen, I’m the ball that was thrown. He threw the first pitch, I was that first pitch, and that was NOT, I repeat, that was NOT a strike. I was made specifically for the purpose of being a major league baseball, I think I am an expert on the subject. I was born to do a few things, either be a bunch of strikes or get bashed in the face and become a souvenir or a batting cage ball. I’ve wanted to be a strike since the day I was stitched. Don’t believe the hype, #Plandemic.”

That ball seemed bitter. We will continue reporting on Dr. Fauci and his amazing adventures in science and balls.

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