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  • TJ Shaver

Mail-in voting reaching dead pet demographic

Updated: Sep 6, 2020

The wonders of mail-in voting never end. We all know it is important that everyone in America has the chance to vote for one of our terrible choices for elected office. This means every man, woman, child, people who moved out of the country, people who passed away, people who aren't citizens of this country, and most importantly, our pets. Pets are a part of the family in American life, and they tend to take on the personalities of their owners, which means they would share your political views. We also know that pets don’t live long enough, so the pets you used to own also deserve to have their voices heard. After all, they lived in America and were denied the right to vote while they were alive. One dead cat has already received a mail-in ballot even though it has been dead for 20 years. This is called progress. The ghost of that cat shared this with us in a lengthy fax,

“Just because I am an animal, a dead one, doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to cast a vote. As an orange cat I feel it is my duty to oust this monster who is giving orange beings everywhere a bad name. I will not be silenced. Actually I am a ghost so I am silent, but I’m going to vote is what I’m saying. And I’m voting blue!”

Experts on mail-in voting would have an opinion on this matter, but experts on mail-in voting don’t seem to exist. Some states have universal mail-in voting but it took years to perfect, and everyone who is being intellectually honest seems to agree that universal mail-in voting for a presidential election would be a disaster, especially with so little time to prepare. The media keeps conflating mail-in voting with absentee ballots but they are completely different in every way. Absentee ballots are requested, verified, and have a chain of custody. Mail-in voting is just sending out ballots based on information so incorrect that cats that died during the Clinton administration are receiving them. A dead pet activist spray painted this on my car last night,

“Every living thing deserves equal rights. That includes the right to vote. It also includes things that aren’t living. They used to live, so it’s like, not fair that they aren’t still living. Voting rights for the dead!”

Vote or die. And even if you die, vote anyway.

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