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  • TJ Shaver

Lizzo sits on curve; flattens it

Updated: May 21, 2020

The world breathed a sigh of relief today when the final word came down from the experts: The curve has been flattened. Wondering how this could possibly happen with Donald Trump in the White House we quickly realized what went down. A hero stepped up and saved the day, and that hero was pop singer Lizzo. She had this to say,

“Yea I flattened the curve. It was easy(breaking into song), I flipped my hair back, checked my nails, sat on the curve, now it’s flat as hell!”

The plus-sized hero has been applauded worldwide for her message of body positivity and now she can add world-saver to her list of accomplishments as well. This is almost as positive for the world as the time she wore assless chaps to a Lakers game and then shook her objectively enormous bare ass to the roar of the crowd and the horror of cardiologists everywhere.

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