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  • TJ Shaver

Kenosha making playoff run for Protest Championship

As protest season nears an end (we hope, we have no idea) a new up and comer out of Wisconsin is making a lot of noise late in the season. Little known Kenosha has really put itself on the map in the last few days, taking their peaceful protests to levels it took Portland months to get to. While no one thinks anyone can actually take Portland out, especially after the execution of a Trump supporter because of his political beliefs, the young upstart team has people talking. The protests got so peaceful there were multiple deaths within just a few days of it starting. It took months for someone to die in Portland. A protest bracketologist shared this with us after he convinced us he was an actual protest bracketologist unlike all the fake wannabe protest bracketologists out there,

“Kenosha is small, but they have serious potential. They are getting hot at the right time of the season, Portland has been running hot for so long they have to be getting tired by now. Not that that will stop them, but it might make them weak enough to be beatable.”

Many critics are pointing out that Kenosha may actually be using some of Portland’s best protesters to help their protest escalate to mortal peacefulness so quickly. Most think it wouldn’t make sense, because why would Portland help their competition win? That is when the annoying people point out that the protest championship isn’t a real thing and we are making this all up to entertain ourselves as the world burns. If I was a betting man, or as my bookie says “a degenerate gambler who better pay up”, I would bet on Kenosha to make a heroic bid but fall to Portland in the finals. An extremely peaceful protester told us this via a series of picket signs appearing in our office window,

“It doesn’t matter who wins between Kenosha and Portland. As long as chaos reigns and regular citizens are afraid of us, we both win. Maybe one day if we keep it up long enough we could even be Chicago.”

The peaceful protester would not share his name with us, even after the cops managed to pull him off of me and extract his hands from around my throat.

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