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  • TJ Shaver

Jesus beats up Santa, and that's Christmas

Christmas is more than the celebration of the birth of our savior. It is also when Jesus gives Santa the annual ass kicking he deserves. The beef goes way back, it isn’t about jealousy. Jesus doesn’t have to be reassured that he is our Lord and Savior, the thing is, Santa just deserves it. Sure he brings everybody presents and whatnot, but he doesn’t even pay his elves a living wage. He also pays way too much attention to the behavior of small children especially, all year long, and knows when they are sleeping or awake. It’s all a bit much so Jesus has to make sure he doesn’t get any wild ideas. One of the underpaid elves shared this via an old flip phone that really makes you wonder what conditions these little fellas are living under,

“Nah man. Santa’s uh, he’s… Santa’s cool man. We got food and a place to live. You know how hard that is at the North Pole? He’s the ONLY employer. And honestly, we don’t need that much money, we can make whatever we want. We have magic. It’s actually just an unlimited supply of stimulants he provides us with but who knows the difference these days?”

Mr. Claus has refused to answer questions on the living conditions of the elves. We assume this means he is keeping them as slave labor. Now we think Jesus isn’t doing enough, what they really need is some democrats, they love fighting for the marginalized... if they can vote... and if they promise to vote... and if they stay loyal and always continue to vote... for them. I would quote Jesus saying something funny here but that feels blasphemous so let’s pretend Santa Claus said this so we can close out this story,

“You need to pay attention to Joe Biden. He never shuts up about having hairy legs and children rubbing them. Trust me, I’ve received plenty of letters from the patrons of the pools where he was a lifeguard. He isn’t making it up.”

Biden is a former lifeguard.

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