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  • TJ Shaver

If I Had a Nickel





If I had a nickel for every time the media tried to paint Donald Trump as a racist, I would convert the nickels into something more useful. Nickels are NOT the most useful form of American currency. I rarely use a nickel, or need a nickel, or want a nickel.

I’m pretty sure the heyday of the nickel died out with the last gasp of the pay phone industry. I’d say a nickel is almost as useless as a penny. With a penny you need an army of that pennies friends to even be able to consider buying something. A nickel isn’t much better. You need an awkward and preposterous amount of nickels to buy anything worthwhile.

Who are the nickel-hoarding freaks that were at some point in time prevalent enough that this even became an expression? I say we find them. I have a feeling that they are the real racists here, not the President. I doubt Donald Trump has ever even seen a nickel. Much less a penny. He might not even know it’s real. More like a rumor he’s heard. You’re telling me that man is a racist? He’s never accepted a payment of nickels in his life.

Meanwhile, people everywhere are paying people in nickels for arbitrary things all the time. If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone say “If I had a nickel for every time…”, I would CERTAINLY convert it into something more useful. Nickels are NOT the most useful form of American currency. Wait, I think I’ve covered this already.

So yeah, the undeniable truth here is that nickels suck, and Donald Trump isn’t a racist. The media is full of nickels, and worth less than a Brian Stelter full of nickels, even if you converted it into something a little more practical, like say a quarter, or hell, even a good old-fashioned American Dollar. I wouldn’t pay a nickel to watch Brian Stelter if you paid me a million nickels, and if someone paid me a million nickels, I’d probably assume that person was a racist or at the very least a Brian Stelter fan. There must be one somewhere, and only someone that sick would pay someone with a million nickels. Nickels are NOT the most useful form of American currency and Donald Trump is NOT a racist. I’ll bet you a nickel.


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