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  • TJ Shaver

Hypothetical crimes & Theoretical shenanigans

Just when we thought it was over and Donald Trump couldn’t get any worse, we stopped thinking because that’s hard to do and takes concentration and sustained effort. It didn’t matter though because he went and did something so horrific it forced us to pay attention to him once again. He called some guy in Georgia and forced him at gunpoint over the phone to count the votes correctly. He even suggested that he might have won the election because so much cheating went on that we might even venture to call them shenanigans. A scientist with a concentration in political shenanigans, gags, pranks & tomfoolery posted this message to a seedy section of the lower 10th circle of hell known as Craigslist,

“There were certainly shenanigans here, that much is certain. We don’t know how many shenanigans because shenanigans are a hard concept to measure, which is why it’s bizarre that I’m an expert in political shenanigans at all. Sooo… My job here is done.”

The President claims that he got the votes; they just need to look for them and verify them. We take that to mean he is pushing for cheating and the destruction of democracy and America itself. It’s time to panic. Don’t panic about the government stripping everyone of the right to earn a living. Panic about Trump suggesting legitimate votes should be counted. Don’t panic about the constitution having no effect on the actions of the people who have decided they run our lives. Panic about Trump. Panic about what you are told to panic about, please, it’s for your own safety. One of the safety dictators ruining your life in the name of your own safety wrote this message on the condensation collecting on the new bubble I’ve been forced to live in for my own safety,

“You belong to us now. You waited too long. You trusted us too much. You gave up too many rights too quickly. You deserve this. But it’s ok, it’s for your own safety. I promise.”

DO. NOT. COMPLY. I promise, it’s for your own safety, and the safety of anyone who cares about freedom.

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