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  • TJ Shaver

Former Native American Liz Warren wins Irony Olympics

The DNC is in full swing and Democrat superstars like Elizabeth Warren are making bold choices to propel the party into the future. Or maybe into a wall, it’s hard to tell at this stage in the convention. For anyone not hip enough to already know, Elizabeth Warren is a woman who used to be a Native American but moved on from that phase of her life after an untimely DNA test a couple years ago. Although it had served her well in her career it was just a part of herself that she had to let go due to the fact that it wasn’t true. This didn’t stop her from being put on the Native American panel at the convention, leading many to wonder if she would be returning to her false roots. What they didn’t see coming was a gold medal in the Irony Olympics, an institution created for the sole purpose of acknowledging this moment in history. Warren, a woman accustomed to unwarranted fanfare, accepted the medal like she does everything else. Gratingly. Her fan had this to say,

“I’m so excited they put Elizabeth Warren on the panel, she is such a strong, brave woman. I shouldn’t use what word? Brave? Oh my god… Oh god… What have I done? Don’t print this, it will ruin me!”

We promise we won’t. No one in the media has questioned the decision to put a woman who benefited from the lie that she was a Native American on a panel addressing Native Americans who are currently Native Americans, and most importantly, unlike Elizabeth Warren, have always been Native Americans. We cannot confirm rumors that Warren attended the meeting wearing a headdress and wielding a tomahawk. We also cannot confirm that she didn’t NOT do exactly that, and also threatened to scalp one of our reporters named me. I had this to say after the alleged attack,

“It’s totally normal and acceptable and beyond questioning that Elizabeth Warren should be on that panel. My haircut? Well it’s an adult male haircut that showcases a lot of the scalp on the top. It’s unique but I think it was a good decision, the other option was buzz cut from the neck up. A deep buzz cut.”

My head hurts.

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