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  • TJ Shaver

Former Lifeguard certified; dives right in

Former lifeguard and former future president-elect Joe Biden has finally received his certification and he is now officially Former Lifeguard President-Elect Joe Biden. The certification process went through after a mostly peaceful protest where someone died was finally shut down. It was extremely impressive that it was shut down so quickly, especially considering Antifa and BLM rioters(consisting almost entirely of young white people) spent the last year burning down small businesses and destroying black communities. This mostly peaceful protest on the sacred politicians we all love and cherish so much gave the new future president a chance to wake up and and dive right in and save America from drowning by giving a speech calling for unity and a plea to stop any and all political violence, something the democrat party suddenly seems opposed to even though they spent the last year calling riots peaceful protests and ignoring the deaths of 35 people. Biden had this to say,

“Even I am smart enough to know that um... that, that this is not the time to talk about my hairy legs, or the fact that children rub my hairy legs. This isn’t about that. I used to be a lifeguard, but I won’t mention that either. Stop the violence.”

Biden was then hustled abruptly off the stage and out of the room before reporters had a chance to ask him any questions. I find it odd that he never answers any questions from the media, and I find it even more odd that the media seem to be fine with this. They are either lazy or ignorant I guess, otherwise it’d be some crazy conspiracy theory about the media being the propaganda wing of the democrat party and LOL, haha that would be totally, like, far-fetched and hard to believe. A lunatic who believes crazy conspiracy theories just like that had this to say regarding America’s savior’s certification,

“That guy is senile.”

Joe Biden’s senility is a baseless conspiracy theory just like the story about his son’s laptop. It is EXACTLY that illegitimate.

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