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  • TJ Shaver

Former lifeguard becomes President

When voter fraud and vote failure and missing ballots and lost ballots occur and poll watchers aren’t allowed to watch a poll you think “hey, sounds like freedom and democracy to me.” Same for some votes that were cast by what can only be vampires if their birth dates check out, and also the slew of vote saboteurs seemingly running rampant lighting drop boxes on fire or throwing bags of ballots in ditches or altering ballots or encouraging vulnerable seniors to alter their votes. Meanwhile, democrats who have wanted investigations into election security non stop for the past four years suddenly say the idea of an investigation into election security is preposterous on its face because our elections are more secure than a (insert perfect analogy or metaphor that is also hilarious.) When all this happens you say, “Eh, seems fine to me. Did you know Russia bought Facebook ads in 2016? Yeah bro. $100,000 worth.” With that out of the way I’d like to announce the next President of the United States. Former lifeguard and the allegedly alive Joe Biden has beat Donald Trump. We think. Kind of. Eh, good enough for us. Biden said this (maybe, we don’t know, he doesn’t seem to say much since he started running for President),

“I have hairy legs, that turn blond in the sun. Children rub on them.”

I wish that wasn’t a real quote. This young Biden fella though, I tell ya, he’s something special. He’s the game changer we’ve been waiting for. With his leadership Covid has already basically quit. Every person who hated masks loves them, because Joe Biden said they should, and that fixed the whole problem because that was the whole problem. His decades long love affair with China is nothing to worry about, neither is his foreign policy, which has been described as “wrong on every single issue for the past four decades.” That was said by someone that LIKES Joe Biden. The alt-left that has been burning down cities and murdering people will suddenly stop because Joe Biden said “Hey, come on man, don’t, you shouldn’t, don’t do that stuff.” Biden has already saved more lives than he did in his distinguished career as a decorated lifeguard. This man has a promising political career ahead of him. His wife shared this after he went down for the afternoon,

“Shhhh….. He’ll be fine. Once he’s out, he’s out. What was the question? Yes he’s very excited to be the President and he totally knows he is. We just can’t wait to get in there with some youthful energy and new ideas and really make some changes! Biden 2020! Huh? Oh yeah, um… Biden 2024? He’ll be… let’s see… Yeah, um… Thanks for your time! Bye!”

His potential is quite literally, unlimited.

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