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  • TJ Shaver

Fauci's goggle mandate raising eyebrows(involuntarily)

Dr. Fauci felt that people weren’t quite panicked enough and decided to really throw some gasoline on the atomic bomb. He is now telling us that Covid has been unsatisfied with our oral cavities and nostrils and is now coming for our eyeballs. He said if you really want to be safe you should be wearing goggles and since he said it, it is now a federal law. All U.S. citizens must now at all times be wearing a mask, goggles, and a fanny pack containing at least two of the following items:

  1. Hand sanitizer

  2. Pepper spray in case you see someone not wearing goggles and you have to teach them a lesson by blasting pepper into their exposed eyeballs

  3. More hand sanitizer

Goggles seem to be the new normal as entertainers, athletes, politicians, and media so-called personalities have all taken to promoting the heinous new trend. Some celebrities aren’t as fond of them however, mainly because they look absurd and they are very ugly. New studies have shown that no one looks cool in goggles, not even cool people. A goggle scientist confessed this to us in a scrawled message written on a steamed up bathroom mirror in a rest stop outside of Tucson,

“Dr. Fauci is right, goggles definitely protect the eyeballs. It takes a real man of science to come to that conclusion. I’ve been studying these damn things for 30 years and I still didn’t really know what the hell they were for. I thought maybe they were some primitive cosmetic devices for eyebrow lifts, or really weak telescopes. Thank you Dr. Fauci, your breakthrough in the field of goggles will never be forgotten.”

We will report back when we acclimate to typing with these damn things on.

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