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  • TJ Shaver

Falling up; A Pool Boy's tale

Joe Biden fell up the stairs. Of course he did, he’s 78, those stairs were huge, I’ve been saying for over a year that he’s too old to be out here running around and that anyone close to him that is allowing it to happen is guilty of elder abuse. I’m not surprised he fell, I’m surprised he got up.

The whole scene is a perfect microcosm of Joe Biden’s career and how a pool boy came to be the President of, you know, the Thing. He’s always fallen up the ladder of success, he’s never really been good at anything. At least in government. Rumor has it he was one hell of a lifeguard... and even that part I made up because I think it sounds funny. The only meaningful legislation he ever got passed has been haunting and following him and making him look like one of the bad white men of history we keep hearing about. After a long career of passing something once a decade and then sprinting away from it and hiding and peeking out every election cycle to apologize for the only work you’ve ever done, he got chosen to be Barack Obama’s running mate even though Obama thought he was an old clown. But he was moderate because he was scared to ever have a real opinion and all he was good at was shaking hands and having white teeth but that’s pretty safe and it makes democrats who would never vote for a black feel safer about voting for one, after all they seem to think every black person needs a safe white person behind them to empower them and make sure they are treated with respect and don’t mess things up for the party or make anyone look bad because they care about them so much they feel they need to be guarded and guided and gifted the world by them; The White Elite aka the Democrat Party, the party that gave Obama the oldest, whitest, old white guy they could get their hands on, and he never did anything as the Vice President either, except for committing crimes and not covering them up and then admitting to them on camera. Then Hillary took his turn because woman, and man old white, and sexism and buzzword and over-intellectualized masturbatory b.s. that explains why Hillary even though Bernie but not Joe until they realized: Hillary = Almost as unlikable as a sadistic dentist with dirty hands, but still better than: Bernie = Oh my God he’s an actual communist and he won’t stop loving the USSR a little too much and he doubles down on Castro every time no one asks him anything remotely involving Castro, so then bad man fake tan so Joe? Joe = Vanilla Celery Smoothie, but also a rapist who says racist things constantly but democrat so that's fine. And there ya go. How a lifeguard became the President that fell up the stairs, and to be honest, we shouldn’t even be talking about it. I for one will never speak of this or write about it or put a picture at the top of this page. You’re welcome.

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