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  • TJ Shaver

Experts say I'm better than you

I didn’t say it. The experts did. And what do we do when an expert speaks? That’s right class, we “Listen to the Experts.” You guys are getting good at this, the indoctrination is going swimmingly and the best part is, no one realizes they are being indoctrinated. It can be subtle but pay attention; The yarmulke has become mainstream, you just wear it over your mouth and nose instead of your bald spot. The rituals are back; wash your hands, socially distance (avoid the unclean, someone without a mask is no better than a leper) and most importantly, Follow Science. A Science expert wearing a lab coat and carrying a clipboard impatiently shared this with me today,

“I’m better than you. I’m smarter, I’m more educated, I speak better English. I have more money, I have a genius IQ and I graduated from an Ivy League School. I am objectively better than you in every measurable way. Now, please stop sneaking in and stealing my lab coat, and please leave my office immediately, if this isn’t violating the restraining order I don’t know what would be.”

You heard it guys, I’m better than you. An expert said it. Far right conspiracy theorists are claiming that he was saying that about himself, and that he was actually insulting me with the entire quote but what do they know? I’m better than them. Which leads me to an important point. A lot of experts are pieces of trash. Well educated pieces of trash, but pieces of trash nonetheless. I’m an expert in making fun of Adam Schiff, but that doesn’t mean I’m morally superior to you just because I know that he’s a serial pedophile with no integrity in his neck. So even if I say Adam Schiff should be castrated in public, that doesn’t mean it has to happen, even though I’m an expert. I don’t care how effective the metaphor was, I got to call Adam Schiff a pedo and suggest public pubic castration, so who cares? I’m having fun. Adam Schiff would probably say this if he was aware of my constant references to him being a flat, wet, piece of trash,

“I’m a pedophile.”

Well I guess he admits it then.

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