Experts forced to admit we might survive

Desperate times call for desperate measures and no one is more desperate to measure things than scientists. That’s why they use those beakers and stuff. For months they have been warning us to stay panicked and to meet our impending death not with dignity, but hiding in our homes with masks on our face and fear in our hearts. So we listened, because they are experts and we are told to listen to THE experts. Not just any expert, but the ones that the media decide are worthy of being heard. A potentially worthy expert admitted this to us after hours of interrogation,

“Fine, yes, we might survive. Some of us. We know we keep telling you you are all going to die and to give up and lock down and die in your house with a mask on, but that might be a slight exaggeration. A few of you will survive.”

This is good news but that didn’t sit right with us. We don’t like good news, we only like frightening news. We aren’t here to uplift, we are here to let you know the lift is broken and has been for quite some time. Lucky for us there is more than one expert. There happen to be two experts. We found the other one who told us this on a walkie-talkie we found in our p.o. Box,

“That guy is an idiot, don't listen to him. He also thought we would survive the AIDS crisis and Y2K. He knows nothing, that’s why he’s never on the news. I am on the news however, and I say we are all going to die. Sooo… I win.”

Farewell world.