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  • TJ Shaver

Dr. Fauci decides we're all going to die

With the recent spike in Covid cases that was definitely not caused by millions of people out in the street protesting, people are starting to get properly terrified again. They had been letting themselves get a little too comfortable with the fact that their country is merely burning to the ground and having its history destroyed, and forgetting that they are all going to die from a virus if they leave their homes and survive the angry swarms of murderous mobs peacefully protesting all over America. Thankfully a hero stepped up to the plate once again. That hero is Dr. Fauci, who decided once and for all that we are all going to die. He croaked this out to us in an early morning interview,

“Science is truth. That’s a fact. I’m a scientist who does science. So whatever I say is truth. We’re all going to die. The protests were whatever, but people think they can go to church, or open their business, so now we’re all dead. That’s science because I said it, and I’m a scientist. You’re dead. You’re welcome.”

Our fact check shows that he is 100% correct, he does do science. Or he used to. Well he’s a doctor and that’s pretty much the same thing. He deals with science all the time, it’s his life, is like, the point. He doesn’t necessarily DO science but he is certainly science adjacent. Our conclusion is that he is more science-y than we are so we have to listen to him. A spokesman for science had this to say,

“What do you think science is? No, really, I don’t think you know. I’m not insulting you, I’m curious because every time you say it, it’s wrong. If you won’t answer that question I’m not giving you a quote, I don’t care how the article ends.”

We’ll get a better quote later from a scientist who isn’t a jerk.

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