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  • TJ Shaver

Diehard Democrats; Deceased Demographic

When someone tells you they are a diehard democrat you should believe them. The democrat party has long been notorious for having party loyalty so intense that they continue to vote blue long after they are. This election is no different, dead democrats are rising from the grave or wherever they were scattered and finding their way to the voting booths. Apparently Donald Trump is so bad and mean that God let a bunch of people out of heaven to come vote for Joe Biden. A spokesman for God shared this in a conference call earlier today,

“Hey, uh, the um, the big guy, no wait the big guy is Joe, the uh, you know the thing, he says Donald Trump is bad and mean and he is sure of it because he made him so he knows. He also says Joe Biden is as pure as the driven hair off Joe Biden’s head on a windy day. He also said the dead people were given leave from heaven to vote so don’t let Republicans pounce and call this fraud. And you know it’s true cuz it’s, well, you know the thing, telling you this. K bye.”

We couldn’t verify that he is God’s spokesman but we couldn’t trace the number so we assume it had to be. Also, we like what he said so we don’t actually want to fact check him, because we are scared it will show us a result we don’t like. You know, the way the media does all day every day for as long as anyone can remember. Brian Stelter, host of hilariously titled Reliable Sources on CNN(a former news channel that now hires eunuchs to lament and document every second of the tragedy that is the Trump presidency) whined this on his awful show,

“It’s God’s spokesman, so we have to believe him. Why would anyone lie? Ever? About anything? Except Fox News of course, and Trump voters. All they ever do is lie, but nobody else in the world ever would. I haven’t done even the slightest thing to check the veracity of the claims or even the existence of the spokesman, but I like it so it’s a reliable source and it has to be believed. Donald Trump is a uniquely evil and dangerous President and we’ve spent 4 years claiming he will literally ruin the world, but no one would do anything unique to oust him, like fake Russia claims that we believed and promoted blindly with zero evidence for years, or cheat in an election, which is something that always happens and something that we’ve seen already in this one. It would never happen. Don’t listen to anyone else, just me, a bald eunuch who looks like a thumb.”

No matter what happens can we all just agree that Brian Stelter sucks? The ABSOLUTE WORST.

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