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  • TJ Shaver

Desantis opens Florida; Florida swallowed by black hole

Updated: May 22, 2020

Ron Desantis launched a Trump-like attack on the press today, obnoxiously pointing out things that we'd gotten wrong. In the end it turned out we were right however, because as soon as he flipped the sign on Florida from "Closed" to "Open" the entire state disappeared completely. It turns out that it was such a bad decision that the Universe immediately snatched it out of existence. You might be asking how I survived. I had this to say,

"I'm really fast. In kindergarten I was the fastest kid in my class. Well, second fastest but that kid cheated a lot. So when I saw that he was really going to open the state I knew what would happen. So I ran. I got out of there just in time. I didn't actually see it all happen, but I like, felt it. It happened. Trust me. I'm a journalist."

Journalism indeed. We have conflicting reports coming in. They all say the same thing, That Florida is still intact and on the map. However, Here at The Right Hook we don't peddle conspiracy theories. So please, just believe us when we tell you what happened: Florida opened for business, a black hole swallowed it, now they no longer exist. Don't do any further research and don't go to Florida, which had always been a good rule anyway if I'm being honest here.

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