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  • TJ Shaver

De Blasio throws out ceremonial first brick

In a show of solidarity with protesters in New York, Mayor Bill De Blasio threw out the ceremonial first brick at this evening's peaceful riot. In order to kick off another night of burning down his city the Mayor stepped up to the mound and smashed the window of a small business. While many at the scene were confused by his actions everyone on social media fully endorsed it. A man who has nothing to say had this to say,

“It’s really important right now for everyone to get a brick and throw it through a window in your community. If you care about the people in your community, find them, and burn their house down. If they resist, beat them to death in the street. That is the only way to show that you have love in your heart. By ruining people’s lives indiscriminately.”

I attempted to report on the story in person but I’m allergic to having bricks hit me in the face. I break out in a swollen face, I bleed, my eyes won’t stop leaking for hours, sometimes I need stitches or have a concussion, not to mention that severe brain trauma can cause permanent damage to the brain to the brain. Mayor De Blasio had this to say after the event,

“That felt good. Did I look cool? Way cooler than Bush right? That definitely would’ve been a strike by the way. Especially my 5th try when I finally hit the window. This should be just what the city needs right now.”

We can neither confirm nor deny whether or not he looked cooler than George Bush throwing out the first pitch post 9/11.

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