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  • TJ Shaver

CHAZ wages war; hygiene surrenders

In it’s first military action as a nation, the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone(CHAZ) has waged a war on basic hygiene. Trash is piling up and the city of Seattle had to have city workers come clean up. They also had to bring in portable toilets for their hygienically challenged neighboring country. A human outreach representative for the CHAZ had this to say,

“People are calling us dirty but that’s just not true. The media is lying to you. We all took showers before we got here last week, and when we inevitably get tired and go home next week, we’ll take another one. Now get out of here before the CHAZ police see you. Our immigration policy is extremely strict and entirely unforgiving.”

The Mayor of Seattle has compared it to a street festival and it does appear that way during the day. Nighttime is a different story where there have been reports of crime including theft, assault and arson. Either way, the people there do not seem to have any concerns regarding keeping themselves clean and looking nice. In other words, they all look like $#!t. A citizen of the CHAZ had this to say,

“Showers? Oh. Um. Some of the locals have opened their showers to us but I don’t think anyone is gonna waste time doing that. If you haven’t noticed we also don’t have jobs.”

We will continue reporting until this offensive smell makes the inevitable transition to intolerable stench.

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