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  • TJ Shaver

CHAZ installs express-lane guillotine

The nation of CHAZ has made enormous progress in its short existence. In just over one month they have already caught up to the French revolution. In their endless quest for social justice they have instituted a new zero tolerance policy regarding anything they disagree with. The punishment for any crime they feel has been committed will be the guillotine and they even added an express lane for when you just don’t have time for a trial or evidence or any of that western civilization nonsense. The Supreme Leader of CHAZ, a non-binary non-human non-being had this to say,

“We believe in justice, but having a trial is a vestige of white supremacy that we just won’t tolerate here. If anyone commits a crime, we take their head. If we think anyone committed a crime, we take it even faster. What we think and feel is better than what can be proven.”

The death toll in CHAZ already has them near the top of the world in deaths per capita. Now that the state is officially murdering its own citizens that could either help or hurt the number depending on how you define murder. If you define it as the unlawful killing of another human being then they definitely have the highest death rate in the world. A guillotine salesman had this to say,

“I don’t know what is happening, but the family business is finally doing business again. I thought we’d never make a come back but left wing ideologies are so pervasive that we never completely fade away. CHAZ has been the best thing to happen to me in decades.”

The Mayor of Seattle has not commented on whether or not she believes it is still just the summer of love going on in her city or if she is worried that it has become a hotbed for rape, crime, murder, police brutality(by the police force the CHAZ formed), or the fact that as soon as they showed up to her house she called them a dangerous mob instead of peaceful protesters and ordered them to be shut down. We hope she avoids the CHOP(chop.)

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