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  • TJ Shaver

CDC admits we're all dead; this is hell

After what felt like 100 headlines with “mostly peaceful” in the title I started to think this was all a little too surreal to be really real in any real way. I thought there was no way the media could be lying this blatantly every day. Worse than that, I didn’t believe people were really still believing it. It turns out I was correct. The CDC (Controlled Disease Center) released new statistics this week that totally validate my opinion that this can’t be real life. It turns out that the coronavirus was so deadly that everyone on Earth died months ago. This isn’t real life. This is hell. My personal hell happens to be one where the media tells the same outrageous lie every day and when I point it out I’m called a conspiracy theorist. A man in a lab coat standing near a laboratory had this to say,

“Oh yeah, your’e dead. We’re all dead. We all died before we even knew it hit us. We were dead before the lock downs. The lock downs are mainly to keep people from realizing that they are dead. They aren’t helping anything. All they are doing is keeping people scared and stuck. Welcome to hell.”

While I do appreciate being welcomed, I don’t think I belong here. I don’t think a lot of us belong here. Most of us were mostly good most of the time. Some people are saying the CDC is lying just so we don’t find out how bad they messed everything up. Those people are conspiracy theorists. If you don’t believe we are all dead and living in a hell that is a near perfect re-creation of our previous lives on Earth, you are a crazy conspiracy theorist. A crazy conspiracy theorist confessed this to me in a confessional booth I woke up in after a particularly peaceful riot,

“This is definitely hell. There aren’t even sports anymore, and when you do find some sporting action it’s all about politics and how much I suck. I mean I get it, I suck. But sometimes I get a little bit tired of hearing it. I’m sorry.”

He was not forgiven.

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