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  • TJ Shaver

Castrated taters & Cuomo's sausage

Two iconic American male role models, Andrew Cuomo and Mr. Potato Head, have had a rough week. Andrew Cuomo, the Ol’ Lady Killer himself, kills old ladies, but he also sexually harasses them when they are young, which is not only more disgusting but also a more thorough way to oppress an entire gender during two extremely important times in their precious existence which is the beginning of their careers and the end of their lives. He was recently caught on camera dining with a young woman while giving another young woman his patented sexually suggestive sausage rhetoric that no one wants to hear. The sausage connoisseur still managed to have a better week than the tragic Mr. Potato Head. The beloved spud was castrated. For no damn reason. Took the poor fellas genitals right away from him, and get this, they took ‘em away from his wife too. Unbelievable. The castrated tater is now just called Potato Head but he knows. You can see it when you look in any of the sets of eyes, no matter which hole you put them in. Even when you stick his happy eyes in his armhole and the silliness is in abundance, the eyes cry out that Mr. Potato Head is still in there, and by God he wants his genitals back. What the hell did he do wrong? It’s a potato. I don’t care if it’s a distraction from the totalitarian takeover of our government by a former lifeguard and his Pool Party, this is ridiculous and I don’t want to let it go. Give Mr. Potato Head his nuts back, they aren’t yours, you don’t have a right to them. His body, his choice. The only person who can relate, Brian Stelter, had this to say about his fellow genderless potato,

“Look buddy you’re going to be ok. Just because some nameless, faceless, heartless bureaucrat you will never meet decided that you don’t get to have balls anymore, doesn’t mean you can’t still be awesome. I mean look at me. I have no balls and I look like the fifth best potato in a bag of bootleg spuds, and I’m on CNN, I’m amazing. Just take the damn castration, it’s really not that bad and experts say it’s good and science.”

Brian Stelter is an idiot, Mr. Potato Head needs his gear back, NOW, and Andrew Cuomo, the biggest mass murderer in American history, is also a serial sexual harasser and deviant and should face the same fate as Mr. tater balls over there… and that’s the news. You’re welcome.

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