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  • TJ Shaver

Brian Stelter: Son of a thumb

In a much anticipated confession today, Brian Stelter confirmed from the confines of his unfurnished bedroom that he has received the results of his DNA test kit. The results surprised Brian and no one else. His father was a thumb.

Since he first appeared on television it was obvious to any level headed American with sight that Mr. Stelter was at least half thumb. His hair used to lend credence to the conspiracy theory that he was a full-blown human. The more he loses his hair however, the more the rumors and hearsay and rampant speculation have ricocheted around the internet. Most people seem to think he is the amputated thumb of a magical giant. The rumor bean doesn’t fall far from the magic beanstalk.

It turns out that Brian’s father was the amputated thumb of a magical giant. His thumb father was also a partisan hack journalist with an annoying voice. It also explains the way he looks, acts and sounds. A thumb is extremely useful but it is not an intelligent being. It’s just a thumb. Stelter had to this to say on his alleged news program,

"Did you know I'm only 34? Insane right? I'm also married to a woman. It's the thumb in me. I'm part magic, part appendage. It explains my unearned success and my grotesque mediocrity. I'm proudly part thumb and I will not be silenced."

We will continue to follow this story until we can figure out what the other half of his DNA test reveals. Vegas odds say toad or tree frog but I think people are just being jerks at this point. I bet it’s a human woman. I wouldn’t actually place a bet on that, I’m just saying colloquially speaking, I’d bet it’s a human woman. I could be wrong…

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