Biden offers Warren beads instead of Cabinet Job

Joe Biden has said and done many things that would have changed people’s votes if they had heard him say it. Lucky for him, the media never asked him any questions and if they did they never pushed it when he inevitably avoided them. He certainly wound’t have gotten votes from the progressive left if they knew he was going to shut out Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren. On the other hand, he wouldn’t have lost so many working class voters if he hadn’t promised them positions. In a touching gesture today, former lifeguard and current senior citizen Joe Biden presented former Native American Elizabeth Warren with a string of beads and hoped she would find it to be an equal trade for lying to her in order to get her support in his bid to gain power. The former pool-boy said this as he presented them to what he thought was her,

“I have hairy legs, that turn, blonde in the, in the sun. Children used to rub them.”

The beads turned out to be a candy necklace Biden stole from one of his grandchildren, one of the ones he acknowledges anyway. Warren, a former Native American, turned out to be pretty angry and didn’t care for the gesture or the necklace even though it was only half-eaten and some of them still had some big pieces on it. Bernie was happy to take the necklace from the child in spite of the screaming it caused, resulting in both Joe and the child being put down for their respective afternoon naps. After the fracas Sanders managed to escape with the necklace basically intact. He told us this as he fled the scene,

“Listen, just because I’m a millionaire, doesn’t mean I don’t deserve a portion of the reparations for the backstabbing. I also took some napkins from the refreshment table, and a roll of toilet paper from the men’s restroom... Fine, it was the ladies restroom, they tend to use the 3-ply, which is much kinder, to an old crusty commie like myself. I mean democratic socialist.”

Communists are thieves.