Biden bans gas-lighting; promises green lies

The democrats and their comrades in the media have decided that anyone who says anything they don’t like should be censored and scrubbed from existence. They believe the tech tyrants who silence stories that would hurt Joe Biden and allow laughable conspiracy theories about Donald Trump, aren’t censoring conservatives enough and need to kick them off. Joe Biden, former lifeguard and current friend of the Chinese Communist Party, released this statement today despite what had to be strenuous objections from whoever is running the show over in the Biden Basement,

“Look, I’ve heard everybody talking about gas-lighting and Trump is gas-lighting us, but listen, he’s gone now, I’m the President. Gas-lighting is being banned as we speak, look at the data, we need to, to, to, look, natural gas is good but it’s not clean, it, it pollutes, and by 2025 we have to, we can’t have the, look carbon emissions have to go down. Not up. No more gas-lighting folks, green options only. Now let’s focus on what matters, voting out Donald Trump… Huh? What? Huh? I have hairy legs… children rub them…”

Sources close to the former lifeguard have confirmed that he does have hairy legs, and that children used to rub them. Other sources have confirmed that the Biden team is already getting the Obama treatment from the press which includes softball questions only, lengthy profiles of Biden that focus mainly on his amazingness and how amazing he is at being amazing and whatnot, shoulder rubs whenever the big guy is feeling sad, and a nice big hug anytime they accidentally ask him an actual journalistic question that inevitably sends him into a fit of rage. A spokesman for the natural gas industry sent us this thinly veiled threat this morning,

“Gas-lighting has nothing to do with natural gas. It’s a term that means lying to people. It’s overused and rather annoying but so are your non stop phone calls and text messages asking me to comment on some dumb thing that old lifeguard said. Please leave me alone.”

We will keep calling and texting this guy until we get an honest answer. You’re welcome.