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  • TJ Shaver

Ben Franklin: Invented bi-focal to ogle breasts

Benjamin Franklin is famous for many things, one of which is inventing the bi-focal. Whether or not that is true is up for debate but he certainly popularized them. In documents found in his basement vault(smells like dead bodies down there btw) we have discovered the real reason he invented the eyeglasses that allow you to see up close and far away. Here is an excerpt,

“Everyone knows I’m a breast man. Have you seen Washington’s old lady? My goodness. Anyway, the thing with breasts is, sometimes they are close up. Sometimes far away. I like to be able to see them both ways. From far away it’s easier to get away with, but from close up you get a better look. Something had to be done.”

Everyone does know that he has always been a breast man. However, we did not know how dedicated he was. This is an unprecedented level of commitment to being able to objectify a woman. Our hats are off to Mr. Franklin for an invention that will benefit anyone with bad vision, and anyone else who loves to look at breasts both up close and far away. At this newspaper we all have bad vision and a love of ogling. In closing Franklin opined,

“I just want to make the world a better place. I don’t know about electricity. We’ll see. But this. This will last forever.”

Our money is on the bi-focal.

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