Angry Mob elected Mayor of Portland

After 73 days of mostly peaceful riots the city of Portland decided it was time for a change. Mayor Ted Wheeler came out and supported the riots and the rioters still demanded his resignation. Federal agents came in to help protect federal property and the city of Portland sued them for trying to stop people from burning down buildings with people inside of them. The angry mob has left the downtown area and started marching into residential neighborhoods and attacking people in their homes. The local government realized they were completely useless and powerless against this mostly peaceful murderous mob so they gave in and held a special election in which the Angry Mob was elected Mayor of Portland. The new Mayor shared this with us in their new manifesto,

“You’re next.”

We aren’t quite sure what it means but we are sure they are peaceful and have only the best intentions. Only three federal officers have been maimed by the mobs so far. Also, they didn’t succeed when they barricaded the front and back entrance of the police union and attempted to peacefully burn it down. Sure it was attempted murder, but it wasn’t actual murder. Until they commit actual murder we will placate them and call them peaceful. Don’t get me wrong, they can commit murder, it just has to be a regular citizen and not one of the elites. Until an elite dies, they are a peaceful protesting angry mob and they are now in charge of this city. Disgraced former Mayor and pathetic human being Ted Wheeler passed us a note with this message,

“I did the best I could. I thought I gave them everything they wanted. I helped bring about this revolution. I helped fund and plan it. I made the police stand down, I emboldened the rioters, I lied to the media, I made sure all criminals were released if they found themselves arrested. I don’t know what I did wrong.”

You did everything wrong Ted. Everything.