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  • TJ Shaver

America changes name to 'I'm so, so sorry'

Updated: Jul 21, 2020

The United States of America decided to start finally making up for its violent past today. The Supreme Court and a Twitter mob, which are the two heads of our current government, decided that our name itself is racist, or sexist, or something. It’s one of the ‘ists. They decided it was bad and mean so they changed it. The former U.S.A. will now be known as ‘We’re so, so sorry’. The Twitter mob was appeased for a couple minutes but a new mob quickly formed denouncing the name as homophobic and one of the other phobias that seem to multiply at an unnaturally rapid rate. A member of the angry mob screamed this at me over Facetime,

“Sorry isn’t good enough! We need to change the name of this oppressive country, because ‘We’re so, so sorry’ is just another colonial white supremacist country. In their 22 minutes of existence they have oppressed us all and we will not stand for it. We should get to pick the name. It’s our turn!”

The man(?) then began to projectile cry which is when you cry so hard tears shoot straight forward out of your tear ducts. His tears shorted out his phone and our conversation ended before I could ask what he(?) would like to name ‘We’re so, so sorry’. There haven’t been many suggestions, mainly because every time there is one people get mad at the person and call them a racist sexist or a sexist racist or like a big jerk or something. A person who complains a lot had this to say,

“I don’t know what I want, but I know I don’t want any of the things that anyone has suggested or will suggest. There isn’t really anything they could suggest that would make us happy because we never address the actual problems we just point them out and then complain about them and then demand vague change that can never really be implemented. It pretty much guarantees that I’ll get to complain forever without ever having to do anything about anything. Check mate.”

We were not playing chess. We will report back when ‘I’m so, so sorry’ changes its name to something a little less hateful and controversial.

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