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  • TJ Shaver

Aliens land; cancelled for green privilege

No one seemed to be surprised today when aliens finally made their presence known to the world. They descended, they landed, they exited their vehicles, and they were immediately cancelled for their green privilege. They had apparently downloaded Twitter when they entered the atmosphere and ten minutes after landing they regretted it so badly that they destroyed Twitter headquarters and took Jack Dorsey hostage. The mean greens had this to say via NewTwitter,

“You people are nuts. We just got here. We didn’t do anything yet. Sure, we were going to kill you, and take over your planet, but you didn’t know that. Also, it has nothing to do with us being green, we just like to kill people. Furthermore, out of all the planets we’ve conquered, Twitter is the worst invention on any of them. We did you a favor. You’re welcome.”

They wouldn’t say what they planned to do with Jack but no one cares. Most people pointed out that they should take Mark Zuckerberg while they are at it but he seems to have some kind of special connection with them. When asked why they hadn’t killed us all and taken over our planet they admitted their real reason for being here,

“We were supposed to get Jeffrey Epstein but we took a wrong turn and were a little late. We probably can’t go home now because of it but we’re gonna snatch his girl Ghislaine Maxwell and hopefully that’ll be good enough. The lizard people are real. Might as well tell you that. When they get caught like this they get returned to their own planet. Weird planet. Don’t ask.”

We have no idea what is happening right now.

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