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  • TJ Shaver

Adam Schiff jumps to conclusion; Sprains his neck.


Frightening news out of Washington D.C. this morning. Congressman Adam Schiff has once again found himself in a predicament of the neck. Schiff jumped to a conclusion today regarding President Trump and his neck was badly hurt in the process. Bystanders compared it to a slinky, a supposedly wonderful toy that is, by all accounts, fun for a girl and a boy. Eyewitness #1 had this to say regarding the incident,

"It was scary. It looked just like a slinky. He jumped to the conclusion so fast. His head is large, some might say grotesque, and his neck is so thin, that when the weight of his head caught up to his subjective intuition, it all came crashing down. He needs some sort of brace if he wants to keep making assumptions."

Paramedics arrived swiftly and stabilized the neck. This took a lot of skill and patience considering the tiny dimensions and fragile state of said neck. They said it was only sprained and not broken because he doesn't have any bones in his neck, nor does he possess a spinal column. Schiff responded,

"I'm fine. This happens all the time. I'll be back on my feet and jumping to conclusions in no time. This time I'll have this fashionable brace to help me jump to as many conclusions as I want. I can subvert the constitution, start new investigations, issue subpoenas. All the things I love."

Slinky indeed.

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